Having Children Means It’s No Longer About You, It’s About Them.

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00:00:00 --> 00:00:05 Foreign.

00:00:05 --> 00:00:20 Speaker B: You're listening to casual talk radio where common sense is still the norm whether you're a new or long time listener. We appreciate you joining us today. Visit us@casualtalkradio.net and now here's your host.

00:00:20 --> 00:00:22 Ler the windows that I've been waiting.

00:00:22 --> 00:00:26 Earthly forever to get installed are finally installed. Now.

00:00:26 --> 00:01:27 These jokers need to give me a refund, a part of my money for the delay. These were ordered in October, just now installed. They were due to be installed in December. You're wondering what happened or maybe you're not, but I'm going to tell you anyway. What happened was they were supposed to get so for anybody that has not ordered windows, they have to do multiple measurements. There's the initial measurement and then there's a secondary check, the work measurement. For the first measurement, the guy was solid, cool dude, no problem, allegedly. And I don't even remember this guy. He was quick. But they sent out what I was told later, a rookie, a newbie to do the second measurement. They take the measurements, they send them up to the manufacturer. The manufacturer is supposed to take that information to start fabricating the windows. Apparently what I was told is that the manufacturer pushed back on the second set of measurements, which was the rookie. When the project guy called me and told me what had happened, I was not happy because I don't mind rookies.

00:01:27 --> 00:01:29 Being put in the field to learn the craft.

00:01:29 --> 00:01:46 But I expect that there's a pro to check the rookies work at least the first or second or third or fourth or however many times until we no longer see discrepancies. See, when I worked call center ages ago, that's how we worked it. We were working paper loan files and.

00:01:46 --> 00:01:47 A supervisor would check your work against.

00:01:47 --> 00:01:51 The system and if you screwed it up, you were going to keep being.

00:01:51 --> 00:01:53 Subject to this review until you stopped.

00:01:53 --> 00:02:09 Screwing up and then you were on your own. And it might take a couple cycles till you finally got to the point you were no longer making mistakes, but that was what you had to do to improve the quality of the delivery to the customer. That did not happen with these. Now because the manufacturer kicked it back.

00:02:09 --> 00:02:10 It delayed ordering the product.

00:02:10 --> 00:02:30 Basically put mine back to the back of the line. What I was told is the manufacturer had a system issue that applied for orders that were submitted after a certain point or before a certain point. But if you submitted it within a certain range, you were good.

00:02:30 --> 00:02:32 If they had not sent the rookie.

00:02:32 --> 00:02:38 Mine would have been fine. But because they sent the rookie and because it got delayed, it Kicked my.

00:02:38 --> 00:02:40 Order to the trouble range.

00:02:40 --> 00:02:49 And because it hit the trouble range, not only was I kicked to the back of the line, there were other issues with the order. Delay getting the order. The order was delayed getting shipped.

00:02:49 --> 00:02:51 Allegedly was being sent from Paris.

00:02:51 --> 00:02:55 Paris. So then there's a delay getting the shipment in.

00:02:55 --> 00:02:57 I get a call finally, this is.

00:02:57 --> 00:03:09 In February, saying, yep, your windows are here, ready to go. Okay, fine. They schedule the appointment. I moved all the stuff out of the way, wait a couple hours, nobody shows up, get a call.

00:03:09 --> 00:03:11 Well, looks like two of the windows.

00:03:11 --> 00:03:57 Weren'T in the order. Yeah, and yes sir, I know you told us to make sure. We check in the warehouse to make sure we had everything and there was no issues. I did call them and I never got a call back. So the project team didn't hear anything back from Joe in the warehouse. So you already got to screw up there, you got to screw up on the measurement, you got to screw up on the order, all of this. Then finally the second windows came in. That was Friday, said, yes, we got the windows. I can get somebody out Monday. So now we're here Monday. Guy comes up, these are, I'm pretty sure they're Russian dudes. They, you know. And he's kind of arguing with a little bit because he's trying to just come into place. And the one thing that pisses me off, and I'm going to rant a little bit and then I'll get to my story.

00:03:57 --> 00:03:59 I don't like it when a contractor.

00:03:59 --> 00:04:05 Shows up at 8:00 or 9:00 in the frickin morning. Okay, I'm expecting, you're on the job, you're ready to work, you got a.

00:04:05 --> 00:04:07 Couple of hours, get it done, go.

00:04:07 --> 00:04:08 To the next customer.

00:04:08 --> 00:04:10 One of the other guys comes over.

00:04:10 --> 00:04:25 And says, hey, can I use your washroom? I don't like it when it's crack of dawn in the morning and you're already asking me to use my freaking bathroom. And I'm going to tell you no, not because I first of all, it's unsanitary. Second, it's crack of dawn in the morning.

00:04:25 --> 00:04:28 Human beings should be getting up in the morning.

00:04:28 --> 00:04:41 You have your coffee, you have your breakfast, read the paper, get ready for the business day. You should always evac first thing in the morning. Use the freaking restroom, even if you don't feel like you need to. Your body's lying to you, but you.

00:04:41 --> 00:04:42 Should be using the bathroom to last.

00:04:42 --> 00:04:58 You about four hours. So you're ready for the day and you don't have to ask a customer, use the bathroom. I'm getting tired of that. It's happened at least four times. They show up crack of dawn in the morning and they don't use the bathroom before they set out. Am I the only person that thinks that that's just good etiquette and just good practice?

00:04:58 --> 00:04:59 I don't know. I digress.

00:04:59 --> 00:05:04 So anyway, so the windows get installed and the windows look decently.

00:05:04 --> 00:05:05 There's a couple of issues that I'm.

00:05:05 --> 00:06:16 At the report up, but the windows got installed and so now the. The whole thing has this wood appearance, but I've got to restain what was there. The old wood that was. That's still there for the framing. I gotta restain it to cover up all the issues. There was a lot of leaks and condensation. That's why I was trying to get it done in December, because I was trying to beat the freaking winner. Because I knew the windows were compromised and I knew they were gonna just sweat like crazy. And of course they did. So now that these are finally freaking done, I told these numbnuts it's Home Depot to shout out, negative, shout out to them. They're going to have to pay me some money back for the chaos that happened to get these four. This is just four windows I'm trying to get. I think there's a total of 18. And I'm just doing these four because they're the. They're the worst, they're the largest. And it took five months from the moment I booked an order to get them installed. And it shouldn't take that long. I've done this manufacturer before in the distant past, didn't have this level of chaos. It's a change. The world has changed. It's a bad bad. I've got a different provider and I'm going to give him a shot and just tell him I want to use that manufacturer, but you better be on his back and make sure everything is done correctly. And as long as it is, you'll get the business. And I haven't heard back from him yet.

00:06:16 --> 00:06:18 Anyway.

00:06:18 --> 00:06:22 I was looking at a topic that caught my eye and I don't know.

00:06:22 --> 00:06:23 Why it caught my eye.

00:06:23 --> 00:06:25 I can't explain what the logic was.

00:06:25 --> 00:06:26 Behind why I was thinking about it.

00:06:26 --> 00:07:14 Out of clear blue. It may be because I've gotten the question myself. And, you know, the question is, whatever. Some people get the question all the time. People listening to the show probably have kids, but there are some that don't have kids and they'll get the question, you know what, what do you mean you don't have kids? What? You know, especially if you're a woman, you get, it's like this surprise, this shock, like you're expected to have kids because you're a female. I don't, I don't begrudge anybody who chooses not to have children. It's not for everybody that the truth is having kids is not for everybody. Society cannot survive without people having children. But it's not for everybody. Some people simply are not cut out for this, bro. That they're not. And I think we got to this narrative largely due to social pressure that.

00:07:14 --> 00:07:16 A woman should want to have children.

00:07:16 --> 00:07:45 Every single time and they should love children. I would argue that most women do, but not what not all do. I just talked to somebody that I actually had an interview with on a different show and he told the story that his son's grandmother passed away due to cancer, but that his ex wife had. Didn't want their child, didn't want to be a mother and that's what caused them to separate. Well, that's unthinkable, right? You, you get into a situation and it's actually the mother who doesn't want.

00:07:45 --> 00:07:46 To be a mother.

00:07:46 --> 00:08:05 It's unthinkable in society. You don't expect it. So it caused me to start browsing around and it was surprising how many feel that way. That there's just this pervasive thought process around the social pressure inherent to being a mother and the stress of being a mother, especially early on.

00:08:05 --> 00:08:06 This is why I say it's not.

00:08:06 --> 00:08:12 For everybody because some people simply can't handle the stress. Plus there's contradictions in your priorities.

00:08:12 --> 00:08:13 It shifts your priorities.

00:08:13 --> 00:08:16 You have to rethink what you thought.

00:08:16 --> 00:08:17 You were going to do for a.

00:08:17 --> 00:08:22 Living because having a kid is a full time job. And somebody else made a very salient.

00:08:22 --> 00:08:24 Point I'll get to in a minute. But it's a full time job and.

00:08:24 --> 00:09:18 I think some don't understand it's a full time job. Worse if you don't have a solid relationship with your in laws and everything else, your neighbors, everything. And we don't have that communal aspect, the idea of community. We all. You all heard the adage it takes a village to raise a child that starts from the earliest phases and it's relationships with your in laws and neighbors and everything else to help during those times where you're struggling that I don't. I think at some point we lost sight of the importance of having those, those roles in play during the process that it, although it's still you being there for the child, the predominant amount of time, it's not just exclusively you and not just exclusively the spouse. And for whatever reason somebody else made the point that loneliness plays a factor.

00:09:18 --> 00:09:20 In why some women struggle.

00:09:20 --> 00:09:28 And the loneliness is kind of self inflicted because they've alienated from extended family, especially with in laws like a mother in law, like they're at odds with.

00:09:28 --> 00:09:29 The mother in law if the mother.

00:09:29 --> 00:10:02 In law doesn't think very much of them to begin with. I know when I was young and I don't know what this, I don't know the situation. All I can tell you is that the first girlfriend, official girlfriend that I had, my mother couldn't stand this person. Frankly, nobody on the street thought much of her with me. I don't think they had anything against her personally. They didn't want her with me. Although I say to this day she was ride or die. She's. I got love for her, she was ride or die and she was cool.

00:10:02 --> 00:10:03 As a fan and we got along.

00:10:03 --> 00:10:11 We just, from a relationship perspective, we were not compatible. We didn't know it at the time, we were too young and we didn't talk it out.

00:10:11 --> 00:10:14 But she was ride or die. Of every girl I've ever dated, she.

00:10:14 --> 00:10:19 Was the only one that had my back in those situations and we had an understanding.

00:10:19 --> 00:10:21 She had her career.

00:10:21 --> 00:10:26 Her career was something others didn't approve of. I didn't really approve of it, but it's not my place.

00:10:26 --> 00:10:28 Your career is your career as long.

00:10:28 --> 00:10:34 As you're banking cash. I didn't back then. It's like long as you're making money, I'm not going to hold that against you.

00:10:34 --> 00:10:35 Even now.

00:10:35 --> 00:10:50 I didn't really hold it against anybody where I discovered that was something that was part of their situation. But point is she was ride or die and I had her back and she had my back more than people will ever understand. But my mother couldn't stand this person.

00:10:50 --> 00:10:52 Frankly, my mother couldn't stand anybody that.

00:10:52 --> 00:12:19 I would consider remotely attractive. And the people that she did favor, with one exception, were largely not attractive in any way. And the one person that was attracted, that she favored was an absolute nut case that was the one that just went nuts that I told the story about. But point in this all, I would never at the time, yes, I might have considered that, but I was too young to think about it or consider it. And it wasn't something prominent on my mind, it wasn't something that was A priority. And I was too busy trying to just keep up with the Joneses. Not even to exceed them, but just to keep up with them, keep up with where things were going. I had to learn more crafts because everything was changing. I couldn't stay call center for the rest of my life. That meant I had to make more money because even if I wanted to have a child, they're expensive. Those that have children know what I'm talking about. They're expensive. So even if you wanted to, if you're fresh out. And I didn't go to college fresh out of high school. So I had to go straight to work. I wasn't making a crazy amount of money. I could barely support myself beyond that. I didn't make a significant, I'm talking significant amount of money until 2001 when I was working at the phone. And that was partly sales related. Half of it was sales. That wasn't going to sustain myself plus a spouse, plus a kid, plus a place to live. It just wasn't going to work. Society expects that you're going to have dual income.

00:12:19 --> 00:12:20 Sometimes that's not the reality.

00:12:20 --> 00:12:27 Sometimes you have those. Let's say a person gets disabled. You might be with somebody but they go through disabled or they have some.

00:12:27 --> 00:12:29 Terminal illness or something that happens.

00:12:29 --> 00:12:34 You can't always count on dual income. So I always told myself I need.

00:12:34 --> 00:12:36 To make enough money myself if I.

00:12:36 --> 00:12:58 Were going to sustain anybody, any relationship, any household, kids, anything. I've got to make enough money, not just for myself, that there's free and flowing extra money every x, every week, every two weeks, whatever that is. I didn't get to that point, that level of strong independence until, you know.

00:12:58 --> 00:12:59 Probably Washington I would say.

00:12:59 --> 00:13:25 And even then it took struggling through that nightmare insurance company and then finally breaking out on my own and starting to make six figures. And once I started to make six figures, okay, I can kind of ease out it. But I had to go to a place where the money went further because I certainly wasn't going to do that in California. I just saw prices of homes. They're talking, here's how you can rent to own a million dollar home because the average house price is $700.

00:13:25 --> 00:13:27 I wasn't going to be stuck in those situations.

00:13:27 --> 00:13:59 And I knew San Diego was going to be not sustainable in the short term. Many of the people that lived there got there early or they work at some high price. Something even now that I can afford doing it, I wouldn't because it's a waste. I like being able to Overpay for the house I'm in. I like that there's significant extra money left over after I make my mortgage payment. I like being able to do these things that are excess to where I can comfortably take on those extra expenses.

00:13:59 --> 00:14:01 So when I saw this chatter from.

00:14:01 --> 00:14:07 Different women that were talking about motherhood and their struggles doing it now it flips the game because I was not.

00:14:07 --> 00:14:08 Fortunate to go again.

00:14:08 --> 00:14:17 I didn't go to college straight out of high school and I had to bust my ass to learn a craft to get to the point that I could earn more than I needed.

00:14:17 --> 00:14:19 So then you take somebody who's fresh.

00:14:19 --> 00:14:36 Out of high school, that's a female, and they're trying to go to college and they, they're told college is the right answer. Fresh out of high school and you need to focus on your career and you need to do this. And then let's say most of them will meet their significant other during their college tour of duty. Now usually it's the guy that wants.

00:14:36 --> 00:14:38 To have kids and she's focused on.

00:14:38 --> 00:15:09 Her career and now she's got to choose. She's forced to choose, okay, I gotta wait till I finish college and then I'll consider it. Well, then, now you have all this knowledge, but then it becomes stale because you need to raise the kid, because you usually are going to stay home and raise the child. Well, there's so many people out there that are just, they're heartbroken because they feel like they might have had a kid and they're struggling. That early phase, you know, right when you have the kid and you, right where you're raising to the point some of them are even saying if you're thinking to have one, don't.

00:15:09 --> 00:15:11 Or if you do, make sure to ruin your life.

00:15:11 --> 00:15:31 That's how bad that is. They'll say, I love the kid, but it's just, it changes everything. It destroys my physical health. Because your body shape changes, destroys my mental health. Impossible to be happy again or think that you're never going to be happy again. You felt different. Like you felt vibrant, you felt excited.

00:15:31 --> 00:15:33 You felt young and full of life.

00:15:33 --> 00:16:31 You felt attractive, you felt fun, you felt interesting. You had great experiences with family and friends. And all of that changes because your focus now has to be that kid. You have to sacrifice a lot of those things. And so it makes you feel you, you. It's a tangible change that you're feeling. You, you might be describing in your mind something that can't change, right? Your fit, your body. I feel like I'M never going to be that sexy again. You might feel that you cannot get back to what you had before. And so a lot of the women I was seeing are telling these absolutely surprising, not surprising, but not surprising stories about what they're going through after having a child and that just before the decision to have a kid, whether the decision was a mutual decision or one sided because you know, sometimes one person wants to have a child, the other person reluctantly goes ahead or somebody gets.

00:16:31 --> 00:16:32 Pregnant but they didn't want to.

00:16:32 --> 00:16:59 I mean there's all sorts of other exceptions to the general rule point is that just the behavior of just before I was this and then when I had the kid or I'm pregnant, I'm this or even maybe you were excited during the pregnancy. You felt like I'm excited, I was this social pressure, told you it's the right answer and then you have the kidney, you realize no, it's a full time job, 247 unpaid. And your attention is for that child.

00:16:59 --> 00:17:01 That child needs you all the time.

00:17:01 --> 00:17:04 Until they get to a point and that'll take years.

00:17:04 --> 00:17:05 Some of them never wean off of.

00:17:05 --> 00:17:36 It until they start going to school. Even when they start going to school, you have to oversee their journey through school. Not just that they're attending, but also what are they being taught. Making sure they're staying up, making sure they're enrolled in my classes, making sure that you're guiding them in something that's going to set them for long term success and protect them from predators and protect them from damages like technology. Too much technology, too much screen time. All of these things that somebody has taken the factor that you're not taught right. You can take classes, you can take.

00:17:36 --> 00:17:38 Everything you want to, but until you're.

00:17:38 --> 00:18:02 In it, you can't know how you're going to react to it. And that's the story that's being told. Some of them even said, hey look, you know, I felt that way when I was that, when I was that age and the first and they say roughly three to four years is tough. It depends on the child. Some child, some children are easier than others. Like some children are not the excessive crying, but most babies are, they need.

00:18:02 --> 00:18:03 Attention, they want attention.

00:18:03 --> 00:18:45 They're, they're constantly hungry, they're growing and they, they need that, that nurturing that happens. I do argue there is some form of separation anxiety with children. Like I told the story about the girl that I dated ages out ago that lived downtown San Diego where she had a kid that anytime that she was out of Sight out of the kid's sight. The kid would scream bloody murder to the point she tried to sneak out with me. And the kids saw her from the window. This is like, it was like a five story building or something. Kids saw her from the window and started falling. And she, the girl was like, yeah, let's just go, let's go. Kid starts vomiting, like just induced self, induced vomiting. That's how bad it was. So separation anxiety is a real thing.

00:18:45 --> 00:18:48 With children as well. And then the other girl, I told.

00:18:48 --> 00:19:55 The story about where she said she was, she said she had a kid. Okay, I get up there, she's, she's got to be at least seven months pregnant minimum. And plus she has a daughter. And the daughter was the sweetest thing going. Just absolute ball of joy, absolute sweet. And she had the issue, the kid had an issue, starts crying, runs up to me for comfort instead of her mom. Then that's what caused, I mean, there was other things that caused it, but her mom was pissed off and these, you know, so when that happened, that whole situation there, I had swore off that I'm like, okay, if this is what it is. I mean I, it's like, yeah, I want to be a dad, you know, that situation. But the situation with the mom caused me to be like, yeah, well, if I got to deal with that, this, you know, now I understood the whole ball and chain thing because I didn't want to deal with that. I didn't mind the child part of it, but I didn't want to deal with this stuff over here. So some people then responded to some of these, some of these women, and one said something I, I thought was really good. And I'm, as I wrap up, I wanted to suggest a couple of things.

00:19:55 --> 00:19:57 Because again, I'm not female, so I.

00:19:57 --> 00:20:25 Can'T relate to that. But I understand what they're struggling with because I've observed it is the point. One person said, you know, I was, when I was younger, I started as a live in nanny for a few years right after I got out of school because I wanted to see what it was like to have kids and I wanted to have the experience without the commit. You know, you're not hard committed, but now you're working as a live in nanny to support the child, as somebody that's part of kind of a, you know, tertiary part of the family.

00:20:25 --> 00:20:27 And it gives you the experience firsthand.

00:20:27 --> 00:21:23 You get to see whether it's what you want to do, see what it's like. And she said, you know, basically for Me, it's like every day it's a job but I'm paid for it. It's what the parents would have to do. They're not paid for doing it, but I was paid. So for me I'm happy doing it. I'm happy doing anything needed to do. But as I'm watching the parents there, it's unpaid work, it's thankless work. You still, even if you're going on breaks or something, you still are a parent, you still have to do the job and it's non stop. You have to keep doing that. You can't if the child, if the child's hard right to deal with. It's not like you just quit, you know, and find a different job. When you're a nanny you have that flex. When you're a parent you don't. And kids are emotionally intensive. They want you to play with them all the time, color with them all the time, watch stuff, play with them, watch them on this.

00:21:23 --> 00:21:24 They want your attention.

00:21:24 --> 00:21:27 They constantly want your attention. You cannot just be flipping on your.

00:21:27 --> 00:21:28 Phone, which is something that pisses me.

00:21:28 --> 00:21:42 Off by the way. You can't just be flipping on your phone and not giving them the attention that they want. If you don't give them the attention, they're going to act out. And so you have to understand that. And a lot, I think a lot of young women skip that phase because.

00:21:42 --> 00:21:45 Again they're told go to college STEM.

00:21:45 --> 00:22:00 And get this career and then they circle back to being a parent. Whereas I think this young lady did it right, which was let's be a living nanny. Not only does that give you money, but it also gives you kind of a dry run without the hard commit.

00:22:00 --> 00:22:01 It lets you know what it's like.

00:22:01 --> 00:22:05 It lets you feel what it's like and see firsthand what that's going to.

00:22:05 --> 00:22:08 Be if you weren't there, what are they going through?

00:22:08 --> 00:23:07 And yes, it's completely unpaid. So are you ready for that smoke? I thought it was brilliant that person thought to do something like that. Somebody else then said, and this is, I was going to circle back on somebody else said, and I think, I believe this is a male. It's anonymous, so I think it's a male. Basically said that women brought it on themselves because the times have changed. That there used to be at one point a purposeful outreach to everybody in the community, purposeful outreach to your in laws that you were creating this circle of good relationships to all help support that and raise that child together, that you weren't doing it Solo. And it wasn't just you and your spouse, in this case, your husband or boyfriend or whatever it was. It's everybody's playing a little bit of a part. Grandma's playing a part, aunts are playing a part, you know, uncles are playing a part, cousins, nieces, and neighborhood people from the neighborhood, your neighbors, the community at large. Because it takes a village to raise.

00:23:07 --> 00:23:09 A child, which comes from the olden.

00:23:09 --> 00:23:31 Times, that you would not do it solo, you purposely wouldn't because you would know it's going to be a tough show. And this person speculated that so many women, because of social media influence, were told that they need to go it alone and they should just be on their own and they should take it on. Especially when you see a lot of celebrities do it, they feel like they have to do it or they should do it.

00:23:31 --> 00:23:32 And then they end up lonely, they.

00:23:32 --> 00:23:35 End up frustrated, angry, they end up.

00:23:35 --> 00:23:36 Not in a good spot.

00:23:36 --> 00:23:38 Or some will, like, some will have.

00:23:38 --> 00:23:40 Kids with somebody and then they'll break.

00:23:40 --> 00:23:43 Up with that somebody because that somebody wasn't a good fit.

00:23:43 --> 00:23:46 And they only had kids because of pressure, social pressure.

00:23:46 --> 00:24:14 What this person's suggesting is that ultimately women are self responsible for the loneliness and the struggle that they're feeling. Because it was never intended for you to do that solo or just with your husband. It was always meant to have multiple people in play to help support you during those times. Now there's a flip on that, right? Obviously there's the concept of taking care of them during the day. School, I think plays a part when they're a little bit older, you know, but they still have the pain of.

00:24:14 --> 00:24:17 Overnight and 24 hours and everything else.

00:24:17 --> 00:24:49 That plays in that. You still have to be ready for that. You can't have a nightlife, you can't just go out partying with your friends, you can't just flip on your phone. You can't do all the things that you grew accustomed to doing. You purposely have to be ready to adjust the way that you do your life around that child. And some are resistant to that change. And because they're resistant to that change, that's what causes this kind of withdrawal symptom where they regret, completely regret. It's not that they don't love the child, it's not that they love.

00:24:49 --> 00:24:51 Weren't excited at one point.

00:24:51 --> 00:25:09 They simply weren't ready. They never prepared themselves. And I always wondered why there weren't more classes, arguably even in school to help young women get ready, mentally prepare them for what it really is. They Might have seen it from like sisters or brothers or something. But I think there needs to be.

00:25:09 --> 00:25:12 More education to prepare them for what the real world is.

00:25:12 --> 00:26:27 Not just what you observe, but what the real world is. And I would argue, and this is my personal opinion, being a male, that I am. Somebody else made the point that I agree with and I want to share. If you're not extremely excited about being a parent, then you're probably not ready for it. I think a lot of parents either get into it reluctantly or it's an accidental something to where they kind of say, okay, I guess we got to keep it whatever, or one person was satisfied, the other person was not. Or it's just kind of a social pressure thing. Very rarely are both people just extremely excited to be parents. They feel like they're ready, they understand they're gonna have to sacrifice, they're willing to do it, and they're most importantly excited, like balls over balls to be and do everything necessary to. To support that child. I don't, I don't find that a lot of women specifically are excited to do it. The pressure might cause them to think that, yes, they're ready mentally and they're gung ho and they're, yeah, thumbs up and they're, you know, excited with their family. I'm talking inside. The excitement's not really there.

00:26:27 --> 00:26:28 Inside.

00:26:27 --> 00:26:44 It's kind of. I've accepted it, I've accepted it's a thing. But then by the time they start that first year, they're burned out, they're toast. You notice it from the lack of taking care of oneself, the lack of the same spirit. Like, you shouldn't leave your lose your spirit.

00:26:44 --> 00:26:46 You shouldn't lose who you are simply.

00:26:46 --> 00:27:45 Because you become a parent. And that happens a lot. You notice it, you see that they've changed. They're just completely different person. I'm not suggesting that a person shouldn't mature. I'm suggesting that the essence of who you are should not change. And somebody else, now close, made the point that if you're feeling something that you describe as demons inside, perhaps consider there's no such thing as a person having a demon inside of you. Rather, you were not ready for the reality of something that you decided to do or perhaps didn't decide to do, but you were not ready for that reality. And being ill prepared for the reality is causing you to second guess, which you perceive as a demon. But it's really not a demon. It's simply a realization. I was not ready for this. So then reach out for help, seek help. Don't just eat it on your own. And not just your significant other. You have to, you have to reach out. There has to be more people that.

00:27:45 --> 00:27:48 You can talk to and ask for help.

00:27:48 --> 00:28:16 And if you've constrained your inner circle, like sometimes there's a woman in a relationship and she's cut off all the people around her because it made the other guy happy or something, well, that's a damaging thing. Unless those people were toxic. But if that person just said, I want you all to myself, well, that was dead on its face, right? You already set yourself up for failure because you can't just cut them all off unless there's a compelling reason. If you did that to me, my opinion is you should reach out. If they didn't do anything that was.

00:28:16 --> 00:28:21 Directly harmful to you or that person, you should keep an inner circle ready.

00:28:21 --> 00:28:42 To help support you during those times. I'm not suggesting that you saddle them with any of that debt of raising the kid. I'm saying that when you really need them, like maybe you just need a breather, I just need a couple hours that I can go and relax or something else. You should have somebody that you can lean on for that assistance. And I don't think it's a bad thing. I think there's too many, too much.

00:28:42 --> 00:28:43 Pride getting in the way where they're.

00:28:43 --> 00:28:48 Too proud to just ask for help. But you cannot do it all your own.

00:28:48 --> 00:28:50 And if you're trying to, I applaud.

00:28:50 --> 00:29:04 You if you make it out for the past five years. Vlog first five years. But I speak from personal experience. Sometimes you just did it because you reluctantly accepted a thing and it wasn't for you. Some people are just not suited to be parents.

00:29:04 --> 00:29:06 Some people are not suited to have children.

00:29:06 --> 00:30:39 It's fine you, but at least you can reach out for help if you do end up as a parent and you do want to try and just get past that first couple hurdles. Not forever, you know, but at least try and reach out for assistance when it's there. If it's not there, find out how to get it there. There's ways, there's all sorts of support outlets there designed to help you get past those. Because others know what that's like and it may be just as simple like the other person offered as a live in nanny type of situation. If that's something that's a, that's an available offer for you. I'm not telling you what to do, but I don't want to see again, I speak from experience I don't want to see situations where there's reluctant parents or there's parents where they simply did not. They didn't know what they were getting into. And then it ends up too late. And then you end up in things like, you know, one side is leaving. You really need to have both parents in the equation to raise the child effectively. Or one side is just disappearing for endless time. Let's say military or something. Or there's abuse, or there's drugs, or there's alcohol. I don't want to see those. And those usually are byproducts of the very stress and down points that I've been describing. That's why I want to see that people use every avenue to avoid it getting that bad.

00:30:39 --> 00:30:47 Oh.